I Often Wonder.......

I Often Wonder…..

I decided to participate in a blog “Link up”.  since I started this blog it has been my desire to expand my knowledge and get to know other writers. It is amazing the amount of support the community has for each other. The Link up is featured on a fellow writers page, her website is www.findingthegracewithin.com.

How awesome is she to allow other writers to be featured on her website? It is important for me to surround myself with people who are positive, and since I decided to pursue my writing career; God has just made it possible to be in the right place at the right time. I am no pro, I am a TOTAL amateur. Even though I jumped in this blind, God has been my light and he is guiding me through this. 

Every Tuesday at Ten she gives us a prompt and 6 days to link to the post! The prompt we had was “I wonder...” this prompt took my mind to many places. I am always wondering, hoping, dreaming and even regretting (which I am working on).

I often wonder……

I often wonder about my strength as a person, as a woman, and a mother. I wonder why I decided to lose strength at some point in my life and did not fight harder for myself. 

Why did I allow myself to stop dreaming, and made too many unnecessary bad choices. So many people with unfortunate setbacks in life still decided to pursue a better situation.

Why did I feel like I could not have the same? Why did I allow myself to fall victim so badly?  

Why did I deal with men that used and abused me, when I could have had a better life with someone who cared?

Why did I allow so called friends to discredit me and make me feel worst, when they were no better off? I wonder why I chose the hard way, verses easy.

Why could I not draw strength even for my children? All mothers do that right? 

So many questions, so many regrets, and life is better for me now.

While I have learned that God will take all the pain, mistakes and turn them around for my good-----for HIS glory. I still often wonder these things. I know that he will make it all come together and finish the good work he started in me (according to HIS word). I believe what he says he will do if I focus and live my life for him. No doubt!

But……

I still often wonder why I put myself through hell before FINALLY he said enough and really caught my attention. I grew tired. I was so tired and broken that God was my only choice. I often wonder why I did not allow myself to make him my first choice, he sacrificed his son for me.

The thing is I have not let go of a lot, and forgiving myself is an everyday journey. I hear people say all the time that they are so thankful for all they have been through, and that includes the good, and the bad. I cannot have those same thoughts right now. I just wish everything would have been “better”. It is one thing to have other people give up on you, but when you give up on yourself and feel worthless it is hard to understand. I have some amazing children, and I feel like I just should have been more for them. I should have been a better provider, a lot of things that we went through was unnecessary to me.

I often wonder will these thoughts go away. I have learned my true Identity in Christ. I believe it too. 

Every single day, I am renewed with a new opportunity to get up and see my children. I realized even though I made some pretty bad choices, I have privileged to do better each day. I have learned that my past does not define me. 

God gave me a vision of everything I can have, and that vision keeps me going in life. I am thankful that I am walking a purposed filled life. I have learned the power of remaining positive, and redirecting my thoughts from negativity. I have learned that I can always begin again. I have learned that tomorrow is not promised and I have to be grateful every single day.

With all that I have lost, I feel if I keep going on this path all will be restored. I have seen the evidence in the life of people who were so broken. God’s power is amazing, it hurts me when I see people who do not believe in his power. I know what has happened in my life, and how I could have not possibly pulled myself out of it. I did not have the mental capacity to want better, to do better for myself. Jesus saved my life. I was dying and no one knew it.

Even though I often wonder all of the above, I am learning too. Every day I am seeing evidence of how much strength I have. I am thankful, that I have been redeemed.

Have a Wonderful Evening!

Need to talk? Vent? Or have any questions?

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